Troy: A Parody
by Einmonim
Summary: A sucky parody of the Troy movie, in case the title was too subtle. Rated PG-13 for language and innuendo. XP CHAPTER FIVE UP, FOO!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: Okay, so this is basically my parody of the Troy movie released in May 2004. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE this movie, but after reading other people's parodies of it I HAD to write one of my own. It's probably not all that funny, but eh. Enjoy? (By the way, I also am in love with Eric Bana so you'll probably see a lot of Hector favoritism in here. Heh.) Chapters are named by which scenes they include (from the scene index). 

**Troy: A Parody**

**Chapter One: Foreword, Awaiting Achilles, and "Is there no one else?" **

**3200 Years Ago**

**Odysseus**: (Voiceover) Yeah, so basically the reason we live is that so when we die, people will remember the lovin' we made and the ass we kicked. Mainly the lovin', though. Damn, I turn myself on.   
**Audience**: … 

**Thessalonian Battlefield**

**Triopas**: Dude, Agamemnon, get the hell off my land.   
**Agamemnon**: Nah, need to get some Achilles ass shots in early on, sorry, kid. Let's fight, yo. Your best against my best.   
**Triopas**: Asshole. (Turns to face his army) Boagrius!   
**Thessalonian Army**: W00t!   
**Boagrius**: (Is tall) (And shirtless) (But ugly) Rawr. I'm sexy, except not.   
**Agamemnon**: Achilles!   
**Greek Army**: (Silence)   
**Agamemnon**: Where the hell is he?   
**Officer**: He's probably naked in his tent right now, so of course I sent a young boy to go fetch him.   
**Agamemnon**: …Riiight. 

**Achilles' Tent**

**Messenger Boy**: (Walks into Achilles' tent) Wow, this is even better than downloaded porn.   
**Achilles**: Hey, this is MY sexual fantasy, not yours. Get the hell out of here.   
**Messenger Boy**: (Drools a little) Your butt is very—I mean, that king guy sent me.   
**Achilles**: …I'm kinda busy.   
**Messenger Boy**: But you need to advance the plot.   
**Achilles**: Well… damn. 

**Thessalonian Battlefield**

**Agamemnon**: Took you long enough.   
**Achilles**: Screw you.   
**Agamemnon**: Asshole.   
**Achilles**: (Runs toward Boagrius, dodges two spears, and stabs him through the shoulder)   
**Boagrius**: Shit, that was fast. (Dies)   
**Achilles**: Anyone else want to die?   
**Thessalonian Soldier**: (Coughs loudly)   
**Other Thessalonian Soldier**: (Whistles and looks away)   
**Triopas**: (Walks up to him) So what's your name?   
**Achilles**: Achilles. And don't you forget it, biznatch.   
**Triopas**: Oh, I'll be calling out your name in my dreams for years to come, don't you worry.   
**Achilles**: … 


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Yeah, this is what I get for not watching Troy until January. XP All the good parody jokes are taken, feh… 8D And seriously, what is up with FF.N not accepting asterisks? Making me switch to parentheses… (grumbles) 

**Chapter Two: Secret Lovers and Brothers' Pledges**

**Menelaus' Palace, Sparta**

**Menelaus**: May the gods keep the wolves in the hills and the women in our beds!   
**Hector**: Amen to that, brother.   
**Helen**: Whatever, I'm going to my room now and of course since I'm the queen of Sparta no one will notice me leave. (Leaves)   
**Paris**: And since I'm the prince of Troy no one's going to notice me follow her. (Follows)   
**Hector**: (Notices) Wow, that's suspicious.   
**Menelaus**: (Gets kissy-kissy with one of the dancing girls) 

**Helen's Room**

**Helen**: You shouldn't be here.   
**Paris**: (Bolts door) Should I leave, then?   
**Helen**: Of course you should, that's why I'm taking my dress off.   
**Paris and Helen**: (Start making out)   
**Helen**: (Is naked) Don't leave me, yo.   
**Paris**: (Is also naked) Sorry, no can do. But hey, why don't you come with me? The resulting war will only kill most of the main characters, including my father and my sexy, sexy brother, but screw them, all I want is mad love… uh, I mean sex… uh, I mean you.   
**Helen**: (Teary eyed) This is why I love you.   
**Paris**: Damn, I turn myself on.   
**Helen**: … 

**Ship to Troy**

**Paris**: 'Sup bro, do you promise to protect me from all the baddies since I'm too cowardly and weak to protect myself alone?   
**Hector**: …Shit, what did you do now?   
**Paris**: Uh… I'll show you.   
**Hector and Paris**: (Go down a ladder into one of the room thingies)   
**Helen**: Yo, been hiding out here since obviously your crew has no reason to ever leave deck and even if they did, they'd have no reason to be suspicious of a cloaked figure hiding behind some barrels!   
**Hector**: (Drags Paris back up on deck) Oh my gods, Paris, you MORON.   
**Paris**: Hey, this can't be THAT bad, right?   
**Hector**: Shit, you freaking idiot, now me and Pops and a bunch of other people are going to die thanks to you. I'm SO taking her back to Sparta.   
**Paris**: Then I shall follow her like the lowly man I am, because sex is good.   
**Hector**: They'll kill you, although I gotta say, that wouldn't be a bad idea.   
**Paris**: Fine, I'll die fighting.   
**Hector**: Look kid, have you ever killed someone?   
**Paris**: No.   
**Hector**: Ever FOUGHT someone?   
**Paris**: No.   
**Hector**: Do you even know what the hell fighting is?   
**Paris**: Uhh…   
**Hector**: Dude, you don't know shit about ANYTHING, do you?   
**Paris**: (Cries) 


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: Blah, sorry this is so short, but, uh, better than nothing? XD;; Thanks for all the kind reviews you guys have given me so far, they've really made my day. When I have time I'll try returning the favor, but for now I'm drowning in homework liek whoa. (Yes, "liek" is spelled wrong on purpose… haha.) Except now I'm worried that since I actually received some positive reviews on this I won't be able to live up to expectations… but… eh. O.o 

**Chapter Three: Greatest War**

**Menelaus' Palace, Sparta**

**Fisherman**: Hey, I don't know if you noticed yet, but your wife kinda left with the Trojans.   
**Menelaus**: OMGWTFBBQ! They are so, so dead, those beeyotches. 

**Agamemnon's Palace, Mycenae**

**Menelaus**: Waaah big brother that Trojan ho snuck off with my wife now I'm sad and waaah why are younger brothers such pooheads in this movie.   
**Agamemnon**: Don't worry, little bro, I'll get your wife back for you. Not to mention take over the entire Aegean. Ooh yeah, biznatches.   
**Menelaus**: Yay! 

**Agamemnon's Palace, Later**

**Agamemnon**: I always knew that my brother's wife was a nymphomaniac, but she's proved very useful to advancing the plot. I finally have a reason to sail over the Aegean and conquer those Trojan bastards, bwahahaha!   
**Nestor**: Yeah, except Hector kinda commands the best army EVAH. Not to mention he's been voted Trojan Heartthrob for every year running since he became legal.   
**Agamemnon**: Yes, it is a shame that I must attack such a sexy man, but think of it this way, once I control the Trojans, I control Hector. Mmm.   
**Nestor**: Dude, you need a wife in this movie. Like, seriously.   
**Agamemnon**: (Smacks lips)   
**Nestor**: Oh, by the way, we'll be needing Achilles' help.   
**Agamemnon**: (Is jerked out of fantasy) Hubba-whaaat? He's sexy too, but we ain't gonna get any of HIS lovin', yo.   
**Nestor**: This will be the greatest war the world has ever seen. We need the greatest naked body to showcase… and Odysseus is the only guy good-looking enough to persuade him to be that naked body.   
**Agamemnon**: What, is MY naked body not as hott as Achilles'? Damn, I turn myself on.   
**Nestor**: … 


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**: Eggs, long time no update. I've been sick, so forgive me for the lack of funniness (and length) in the following chapter thingy. Also, I saw Black Hawk Down. Not that many of you care, but Eric Bana is pretty hott in that too. SCORE. 

**Chapter Four: Recruiter Odysseus and Glory and Doom**

**Phtia, Greece**

**Achilles**: Mmm, swordplay is good.   
**Patroclus**: Teehee!   
**Achilles**: Liek OMG, I hear hoofbeats in the distance so I'm going to throw a spear. (Throws spear)   
**Spear**: (Hits tree next to horseback guys)   
**Odysseus**: (Plucks spear from tree) 'Sup dude… 'sup dude who looks somewhat like the first dude but not really okay maybe a little. Playing with swords in an isolated area, I see… a'ight, so who exactly is this second dude?   
**Achilles**: He is most definitely my cousin. Also known as my sex toy. Also known as—   
**Odysseus**: Uh, that's enough. So anyway, we're going to have a big war soon, wot wot?   
**Achilles**: Yeah, so? I'd rather pimp here with my sex toy, yo. Agamemnon's no fun.   
**Odysseus**: Screw Agamemnon, fight for the Greeks! Or me!   
**Patroclus**: Teehee!   
**Achilles**: I dunno, I think I'll avoid giving you a straight answer so you can only underline for the thousandth time how big this war's going to be.   
**Odysseus**: Okay, fine. This war will never be forgotten, yo. Nor will the naked men who show up in it.   
**Achilles**: Now THAT's what I wanted to hear. 

**Lárisa, Greece**

**Thetis**: What's trippin', son, I'm just making you a seashell necklace since grown men obviously like to wear these things.   
**Achilles**: Uh, right. Hey, should I go to Troy? This scene doesn't advance the plot at all but whatever.   
**Thetis**: Well, if you stay here, you'll find a woman who'll have kids who'll have even more kids and they'll all remember how great your body was.   
**Achilles**: Mmm yes!   
**Thetis**: Except once they're all dead and you're dead no one will remember your extreme sexiness.   
**Achilles**: Well, damn.   
**Thetis**: Sooo… go to Troy! (Game show music plays) Yeah, you'll die there, but hey, the WORLD will remember how great your body was. Not to mention you'll get a chance to compete for the title of Sexiest Man in the Aegean!   
**Achilles**: (Gazes off into the distance, looking profound)   
**Thetis**: Dear, could you stop looking at that lady undressing herself and just listen to me for once? 


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note**: Even longer time, no update. At least this is a little longer than the last chapter? Hoohoo. 

**Chapter Five: Royal Welcome**

**Streets of Troy**

**Housewife**: Ooh hoo, looks like Paris has another blond to play around with. (Giggles)   
**Another Housewife**: (Points and giggles) Teehee!   
**Helen**: Paris, you never told me I'd be pointed and giggled at in Troy! I'm being made fun of and my image is ruined waaah.   
**Paris**: (Isn't paying attention) Damn, I'm so brilliant for bringing you here.   
**Hector**: Oh my gods, I think I'm going insane from all the stupidity I've been surrounded with since we left Sparta. AHH.   
**Housewives**: Teehee! 

**Palace of Troy**

**Priam**: Hey, wazzup, sons? (Looks at Helen) Who the hell are you?   
**Paris**: Dude, this is Helen. Of Sparta, uh, I mean, Troy.   
**Priam**: You don't mean the same Spartans with the king whose brother has wanted to attack us for years, do you?   
**Paris**: Actually, I do!   
**Priam**: …Normally, I'd disapprove, but since she turns me on, I'm going to welcome her with open arms. And a little more. Mmm mmm!   
**Paris**: This is MY ho you're talking about, Dad.   
**Priam**: …   
**Hector**: (Slaps forehead)   
**Andromache**: Hey, you hot hunk of Trojan general, look at our baby!   
**Hector**: My dear wife, that is a very large baby. And what is he wrapped in, lace?   
**Andromache**: Yeah, I've been feeding him laxatives while you were gone, but I don't think that did anything.   
**Hector**: Don't tell me we're going to be stuck with this large, feminine baby for the rest of the movie.   
**Andromache**: …   
**Hector**: And this, my friends, is only a preview of the hardships I will endure in the remaining two hours of the film.   
**Briseis**: OMG HI HECTOR AND PARIS! Guess what guess what I decided to conveniently become a virgin priestess while you two were gone so I could advance the plot! Aren't you proud of me, aren't you aren't you?   
**Paris**: I'd be proud of you if I weren't so proud of myself, little cousin.   
**Briseis**: Oh, shut up, beeyotch. I'm going to get my own blond Greek soon enough, yo. So THERE. 

**Palace of Troy, Later**

**Hector**: Hey Dad, I'm thinking it'd be a good idea to send Helen back to Sparta. So we can, you know, avoid having to wage a huge-ass war.   
**Priam**: Son, do you realize I haven't been turned on by a woman this much in YEARS? Before, I only had you—   
**Hector**: That's nice Dad, but please stop coming on to me. HELLO, I'm your SON.   
**Priam**: My very sexy son. And intelligent, too. Which is why I can't listen to you. Don't you know by now that irony always goes down well with the audience? Contrary to popular belief, my denseness is carefully calculated!   
**Hector**: Yeah, sure, I totally believe you. Totally.   
**Priam**: I'm so pretty, oh so pretty, I'm so pretty and witty and bright…   
**Hector**: Now if only Troy had some institutions… 


End file.
